At some point in my lifetime, I'm assuming Maelee won't be thought of every day. Perhaps time will go by for a bit before she is consciously remembered. Even now as we walk through the daily grind with three littles, we are so consumed with them we can barely recall what it was like to be left wanting so deeply. I can say with certainty, however, she is missed daily and still thought of daily. And a big shout out to the oldest boy for many times being the catalyst for these moments. He includes her. The last six months or so especially, Eli will pipe in "and Maelee". When praying for us, he adds "and Maelee in heaven", he adds her name when writing down the family, and when he is divvying out such and such, she gets a portion if it's metaphorically speaking otherwise it's "and not Maelee because she's in heaven" and when he plays she gets representation. Tonight it was the magnaformer structure he built, one side was Evan's, one was Annalee's, one Maelee's, one Eli's. Eli will sometimes wonder or assume things about her with her in-heaven status. It's remarkable how matter-of-fact he is about her and how deeply he feels her existence, though short lived, still mattering.
Mid-March means we are entering into the season that is hers in my heart. Wishing I was in South Carolina to enjoy the amazing weather that is about to descend there, blooming explosions and gorgeous sunshine. I was talking about grief the other day and I know that God allows us to forget some things of the initial shock, or surely the weight of the pain would suffocate our lives away. Yet I also know I can close my eyes and be right back in that ultrasound room. I don't choose to repeat that in my mind every day. Instead I choose to smile when I hear my boy say her name, to feel joy that she's being recognized and SHE MATTERED!
Thank you Lord, for keeping our firstborn in our second born's heart and mind, for our constant reminder that this side of heaven is not perfect.
-Heather
1 comment:
Oh So good to read your beautiful heart- so brim full of remembering and recalling the gift of your beautiful first-born Maelee Linn.... I LOVE that Eli is thinking and talking and playing and arranging things for his big sister. I love your second-born and LOVE that he knows his position in your family and that he LOVES Maelee with you, and with us too. This hurts..... but these nearly seven years and three kids more for you later, these pieces of grieving, missing her glimmer with something of a bit of raw beauty and other-worldly hope- much more so than that terrible initial pain. For that I'm grateful. And we're praying that your hearts will be stirred up with bits of beauty in your hope as you continue to grieve and miss her together. We love you- all six of you.
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